maybe you can squish them all together and make one passable human being. but it’s unlikely.
I mean, realistically speaking, I want Guy 3’s bod and face and (seemingly) nice-person-ness with the writer’s mind and conversation and awesomeness in bed and the captain’s hair* and actual fondness for me and ability to respond to texts within 72 hours.
*Although, honestly, they all have great hair. Actually, they all have the same hair, dark and curly and slightly-longish and gravity-defying. And Guy 3 and the writer went to the same school and studied the same subject and write in the same genres and are both really into math and inexplicably technologically illiterate? And Guy 3 and the captain (and cardigan kid) are incredibly thin? And the writer and the captain are both right around my height? And I may have a type? Jesus christ.
I refuse to give guy 3 a moniker unless he pulls his head out of his ass here
like I will text him one more time but after that I AM DONE WITH HIM PROFESSIONALLY OKAY
even though he's like a taller thinner nicer non-white version of the writer and basically ideal
- so apparently I’m juggling three men now
- which I’m about as good at as I am at juggling three physical objects
- which is to say T E R R I B L E
- I’ve started just referring to them by number when describing their various failings
- Guy 3 was an awesome and super fun lunch date a few days ago which ended with an emphatic “I had fun, we should do that again” from him BUT THEN I texted him a “how’s it going” the next evening and got no response soooo
- Guy 2 (the writer) didn’t respond to my last text so I was like, whatever, that’s over (which is why I picked up Guy 3 to begin with!!! argh!!!) and then yesterday he’s all “are you still out of town” and we had a brief textversation about my migraines BUT THEN I was like “so how’s it going?” and again no response like are men allergic to that question or
- Guy 1 (the captain) who I am roughly 1000% done with is of course now acting all weird and jealous and shit and blowing up my phone like he hasn’t DUMPED ME TWICE NOW
- and Cardigan Kid is apparently in a fight with his girlfriend so he snapchats me whenever he’s bored and randy now idek
- as Liz wisely said, “you’d think having three of them would mean that at least one wouldn’t be The Worst, but no. They are all The Worst. Everyone is The Worst.”
do she got
- so I talked two more people into opening store credit cards to save 25% off a purchase under $500 today
- and while that is technically my job and I’m damn good at it and make nice little bonuses for it
- every time I see a grown adult come in with the version of the card that indicates that they both spend a lot of money with our brand every year and have a significantly worse credit score than I, a recent college grad working retail
- I get quietly kind of upset that our card-opening discount explicitly targets people who can’t actually afford the item they’re buying and therefore legitimately can’t resist the extra percentage off one goddamn blazer
- people who shouldn’t be opening more fucking credit cards
- thus virtually guaranteeing that they won’t be able to pay off their balance in full sometime and will get shafted by the terrifyingly high APR and make lots of money for the credit card companies
- and I know if they weren’t opening it with me they’d be doing it with someone else/somewhere else but I’m participating in it and I’m exceptionally persuasive and I feel gross about that sometimes so yeah